Stories that Shine on an Awesome God

Posts tagged ‘spiritual abuse’

Testing God’s Way

Rose-Marie* stood at the sink washing dishes. By hand. One pan was so dirty it needed special treatment. Like her heart.

She knew God loved her, but her ability to love and forgive seemed wretched. How did God’s way work for her? Or anyone?

She twitched her head. Think of all the scenarios of evil in the world that God’s love has to work through—has to have an answer for—a way to heal and restore without force or coercion. Is it even possible?

She found a scouring pad and spoke aloud.

“God, I haven’t always done well in Your school, in letting You teach me, but now I’m tired of spiritual limbo. Your way must work in every circumstance, for real problems. It needs to work for all cultures and situations. That’s what I want to test.”

“So, what is faith?” The Spirit posed a gentle question.

“It’s naked trust, and I haven’t had much experience.” She bore down on the pan.

“What kind of experience do you need?”

“Experience with trusting for the ultimates.”

“What are the ultimates?”

“Life, death, health, economic security. An ultimate for me is to find my reason to be. My place. Who I am. My place of belonging. Another ultimate is to love and be loved. For Your way to mean anything, it must be tested in these ultimates.”

The metal at the bottom shone through. She rinsed the pan and left the kitchen.

That was over thirty years ago, and Rose-Marie, aka Merita Atherly Engen, has had plenty of faith-tests in those ultimates. Some she passed. Some she failed.

Love, however, has never failed.

Most recently, I have gained deeper insight in how God’s way works in some of the most horrendous situations. Specifically of how His love has restored and is restoring the lives of those who have endured childhood spiritual, sexual, and ritualistic abuse and trauma. The more I learn, the greater God becomes.

He’s answering my prayer of years ago. He’s showing me that no matter what the Enemy, the Father of Lies, the Evil One, concocts through human agents, God (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) is able and willing and powerful to restore.

If you have been trapped by dark-side abuses, struggling to be free, invite Jesus into your situation. Cry out for help. Believe in Love’s way. It probably won’t happen overnight, but one step at a time, the light of Love will dispel the darkness. Then stand back and be amazed at the power of His might.

He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many waters. He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: For they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a large place. He delivered me, because he delighted in me.

Psalms 18:16-19

*Rose-Marie is the fictional name I’ve given myself in my yet-to-be-published book, “Heartache of Promise.” The story is based on a section of my life, so yeah, Rose-Marie is yours-truly.

Category:

Breaking through Darkness, Childhood Abuse and Trauma, Identity Restored, Points of Light, Restoration from Abuse

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A Safe Place

Condensed from guest blogger, Misty Dawn, at Shakam Boqer

You can be a safe place.

You can be a safe place for the victim. Being a safe place means allowing their feelings and hurt to be fully expressed and regarded as valid in the face of the emotional, verbal and physiological, or even physical, sexual or financial abuse they have endured.

Simple questions like, “What happened?” “What are you thinking?” “How do you feel?” will help show your support. Reflect back what they’ve shared so they will know their feelings and hurts are valid.

It’s okay to say, “I hurt for you.” “This makes my heart hurt.” Or “This makes me angry for you.”  This validates the victim’s sense of anger. However, be careful not to overstate your own emotions to the victim. Simple statements that make the victim feel cared for, validated, and heard are best.

Don’t make them feel like they have to take care of or protect you or themselves from your emotional response. Hold your anger until you can express it away from the victim.

Support people may need to call the abuse what it is. Even as an adult, I needed the words.  I needed short, simple, declarative statements such as:

“Calling someone names is verbal abuse. It’s not okay to be called idiot, stupid, quitter, coward…. It’s never okay to be cursed at. It is verbal abuse, and I understand why you feel hurt.”

“Taking sex by force, even in marriage, is rape. It’s not love. It’s sexual abuse. You have permission to be hurt and angry.”

“Punching or shoving in anger is physical abuse. It’s inappropriate behavior and not okay.”

“Discipline of children doesn’t include a balled up fist, regardless of the child’s age. That’s abuse. You have a valid reason to be angry.”

“Being told you are damned to hell for ending the abuse cycle is spiritual abuse. It’s okay to be upset by those words.”

“What you experienced is trauma. It’s okay to have a trauma response, to have panic attacks, a hard time breathing, or talking, or putting together sentences.  Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself those responses.” 

Support people can give the victim permission they deeply need.  They can give permission to the victim to be angry. To be hurt. To cry. To wail. To vent. To get help. To find a counselor. To say hard things. To hold boundaries. AND most importantly, give them permission to leave the abuse.

Giving permission to leave is different them telling them to leave. Don’t tell them to leave. I heard, more than once, “You need to leave his sorry ass.” But that wasn’t helpful. I needed permission, not advice. Give them permission to leave, to be done. They have to make the choice on their own, and they need to know that you will support their choice.

I once saw a child who had been given the permission by professionals around them, to hold boundaries with their abuser. I’ve never, in my life, seen a child run and play as freely and largely as that child played that day! I swear if they’d had wings, they would have flown! As it was, they climbed higher, spun faster, ran more swiftly, skipped more exuberantly than I’ve ever seen that child or any child play. I will never forget that day. 

Give the victim permission to have and hold boundaries. That’s often all they need. 

Lastly – speak life! Speak to the victim’s value. Speak to the love of God for them! Compliment their character, their creativity, their passions.

Victims have most often been told and therefore internalized some massive lies about their worth, value and beloved-ness. The effects of this verbal and emotional abuse was recently described as a “weighted blanket of negative words” that holds the victim down. It feels all warm and cozy because that’s all the victim knows, but their psyche is dying. They are likely depressed and may even be suicidal.

Your words of life are the antidote. They will help lift the blanket off.

Speak life!

The Lord your God is in you midst. A Warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with joy; He will be quiet in His love [making no mention of your past sins]. He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.”

Zephaniah 3:17 AMP

Category:

Breaking through Darkness, domestic abuse, Joyful, Points of Light, Restoration from Abuse

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Of Tadpoles, Creeks, and Choosing Love…

It didn’t matter what she did, it wasn’t good enough.

Evangeline let the door slam behind her. Her mop of curls bounced auburn at her forehead. Stones nipped the callouses on her bare feet, but there were no stupid rules along the creek bank.

Turtles and tadpoles didn’t care if she drank eight ounces of warm water first thing. They never forgot to turn on the cold for three minutes before they left the shower.

Those daisies along the path—pure-white petals sparkling with morning dew—weren’t concerned about going to church to have old ladies with hardened eyes check their skirt length or note if they’d painted their nails.

The remains of her father’s mandatory raw almonds stuck to her teeth. Her tongue raked them loose. She spit.

If God was this, there had to be a different choice.

* * *

It mattered what she did when it came to others.

Evangeline rose from her desk of polished walnut and glanced at her watch. Lunch with the mayor in fifteen minutes. A slip of joy coursed her heart. Together they would accomplish nothing but good. Kids would enter college. Single moms would find meaningful employment. The arts would be funded.

Three teenagers smiled up from a desk photo. Her children. How she loved them. She patted at her curls, then shrugged into her tailored jacket, but no straight-jacket religion for them. Church was optional.

Oh, she had done the church thing and gotten burned and betrayed in the process. No bitterness, though. She did have a choice about that. She did have a choice to love.

Choices—logical, well-considered…and helpful—impacted lives. Now and for the future.

God’s rules and expectations only muddied the water.

* * *

What had mattered most?

Cradling her coffee, Evangeline settled onto her porch swing. She tugged at a wisp of gray, then flipped the strand away from her face.

 A rosy dawn eased over the mirrored surface of the lake. Her favorite view. She lifted her cup and breathed in the soothing aroma.

An empty nest. Retirement.  Financial security. A healthy, still active body. A husband, asleep inside, whom she wouldn’t call a soul-mate, but could always admire. Siblings who waded with her out of their shared spiritual abuse….

Through it all, had she found her own identity? Or was it mixed with expectations that made demands from her parents’ graves?

A kingfisher skimmed the water’s surface. Its squeal of freedom echoed the shoreline. She shook her head, feeling the curls. When she looked within, whom did she see?   

I’m a woman who’s chosen love, and that is good.

Along with her sip of coffee, the truth slid its warmth through her body.

I don’t know about God, but I’ve chosen love.

* * *

“God is love.”

1 John 4:8

“…Everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.”

I John 4:7

Category:

Childhood Abuse and Trauma, Identity Restored, Loving, Points of Light, Restoration from Abuse

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